Just post any random joke, riddle, funny story, whatever.
I'll start:
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

Eww..

Why was the skeleton unable to go to the party?

Because he had no'body' to take

aww that was a cute one!

ahahaha!!!!!

This is a dumb one...

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?

She needed to make up her mind.

ooh i got another variation on the chicken joke

why did the chicken cross the road?
because a weasel was chomping on it's privates.

i got one!:



there is this preist who owns a cock (rooster) and he cant find it...but he cant look for it because he is late for church..

so he goes into the chuch and before he starts with the the ceremoy, so he asks the people "stand up if you have seen a cock" so everyone stands up..and the preist is like "no..no..i mean.. stand up if you have seen a cock in the past 1/2 hour" and then a few people stand up..and once again he says "no no.. what i mean is..have you seen my cock?"

and all the choir boys stand up!

pffft hahaha. thats a good one.

lol, i love that vampire joke!

heres one my freinds mom told him:

What did the chick vampire say to the other?
Ill see ya next month!

another vampire one(mines not that great btw)
A vampire is sick and tired of being evil and wants to be reincarnated.he gets the chance to be reincarnated, and is asked what he wants to be reincarnated as..he says
"i want to be pure and white and still be able to suck blood"
"o.k then i can do that for you" he is told
he is then reincarnated as a tampon.

lol! no, that is freakin awesome, ill have to remember that for my friend!

why did the plane crash?
because the pilot was a biscuit..

AHAHA.. no

what do you call a nun running down the road?

virgin active

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jammin'

Here's one that no one here will get at all unless you research it:

How many Goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

First Rozz has to do it.
The Valor.
Then it takes two more to argue about who did it better

two muffins are sitting in an oven..one turns to the other and says, wow it's really getting hot in here
and the other says, holy crap a talking muffin

lol. my 6 year old cousin told me that one but instead he said 'holy shit, a talking muffin.' it was so funny coming out of a 6 year old.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender asks if he is aware of this, and the pirate replies, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"


I've always loved that one There are a few variations.

What Did The Horse Say When He Only Had Thistles (excuse the spelling) For BreakFast?

...wait for it...

THSITLE HAVE TO DO!

A dutch guy and his girlfriend were on their way to the belgium.
At the border, the belgium officer offered them to stop.
"Is there a problem sir?"

"Yes you two are driving in a Fiat Uno"

"Can i speak to your boss than?"

No, you cant, he is busy with an Audio Quatro, five people are in it..."

There were 3 guys in a prison yard trying to figure out how to escape. One was American, one was Mexican, and the other was Chinese. They decided that the easiest way out was to jump over the fence with barb wire, and hope they made it over in one piece. So the Mexican went first and his leg got caught in the barb wire and it got ripped off and its just chilling out on the top of the fence. Then the American guy jumps over and his arm gets caught in the barb wire and what do you know, it gets ripped off as he was rocketing himself over the fence and remains intertwined in the barbwire at the top of the fence. So the Chinese guy sees all of this and is like, "okay no big deal if I lose a leg or arm, at least I will be free..." So he takes the wall in one swift leap AND......the Mexican and the American sing out in unison....

CHING CHONG CHINESE BALLS HANGING FROM THE PRISON WALLS! lame I know!

wanna hear a fast joke?!

wanna hear another one?!!

hahahahahah..it's lame, but fucking hilarious.

what did the oxen say to the other oxen?
"you're a butt ox."

Well I am sure we all know who Little Johnny is?? If not, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.
"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened.
"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

Dirty joke:
A pig fell in the mud.

a dyslexic walks into a bra

I was in a bar with button-fly jeans.

That's what I need after 15 beers, a dexterity test.

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender goes to the horse and says 'what's with the long face?'

did you ever hear the joke about the jump rope?
skip it

guy walks into a pub and sits on a bag of nuts and goes "oi, lyndon, where's me nut's" and then Lyndon goes " oh, ya sittin on em" haha actually that's a commercial.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!

i feel sorry for santa.....he only comes one a year.. and thats down the chimney.

I choked when I read that.

Pete and Repeat were on a boat

Pete fell off and who was left?

Repeat.

Pete and Repeat were on a boat

Pete fell off and who was left?

Repeat.

x infinity

there is just no innocence to santa for me anymore

3 guys are waiting to confess their sins to the priest. the priest allows the 1st person in.

Priest: confess youre sins.
1st guy: i cheated on my wife.
Priest: ok. god forgives you. now go drink the holy water.

so the 1st guy drinks the holy water and dies.

the 2nd guy comes in.

Priest: confess your sins.
2nd guy: i killed my sister.
Priest: ok. god forgives you. now, go drink the holy water.

so the 2nd guy drinks the holy water and dies.

the 3rd guy comes in.

Priest: confess your sins.
3rd guy: i pissed in the holy water.

Hahahahaha, that one had me in hysterics. :'D

ok well heres one......

So there's a blond and i brunette in an elevator, and this guy with dandruff walks in and the brunette says..."Somebody should give him Head & Shoulders" and the blond answers..."How do you give him shoulders?"

I dont mean to offend anyone, and if i did i apologize, but it was the only one that i could think of at the moment.

whats green and slimy and smells like miss piggy?

Kermits finger

when has santa been innocent?

well i thought santa was great when i was like 4 he could do no wrong

Pahahahaha. Hahaha. Oh dear.

The only jokes I can remember are ones that make fun of disabled people. Not terribly, but still. Oh, I know. There was a woman on the Weakest Link the other day, and Anne Robinson was being a gay to her and asked her to tell a joke, so she did:

Did you hear about the man who drowned in muesli? A strong current pulled him under.

What a gay!

Erm?

hmmm...

I was talking about the lady in the weakest link,what a gay, why would i insult my fellow Boardies?

ohhhhhhhhh yes anne is somewhat of a twat

that weakest link lady is on my list of most hated people, she drives me nuts, I can't watch that show.

You are the weakest link! Good bye!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

the Mad Tv version of her is better.